I want my feminine power back

 

I’ve been struggling and stressing out from being inside this toxic relationship with my partner Gia who neglects me and abuses me emotionally and manipulates me to be submissive to him. 

When he doesn’t get his way he goes all nasty and express his anger in a cold way at me. Such as packing all my belongings and shoving it out the window. And coming back with this grumpy and immature attitude towards me last.

I just been feeling uneasy every time he does drugs that’s affecting him to be like this. I think without him doing heroin and injecting it I would be more relieved from the pain I suffer from enduring him running off to stick a needle in his arm and goes all angry the next minute at me or acting as if he’s being guilty, when asking me for a cuddle or a kiss after he’s finished injecting heroin. It’s like he feels a shame of being with me.

I am the type of woman sometimes that doesn’t have a female friend or someone to vent to now. I been on my own with this boyfriend for 3 years and I feel drifted and hurt. Like my emotions are damaged and I feel like I’m numb inside. I crave for intimacy and I’m not getting it from him. It feels like he’s a brick wall when Everytime wanting to express deeper with our conversation together. I seriously never felt satisfied from his energy and vibe around me. I just feel like I’m a lost girlfriend that pretends everything is okay and suffocates with all the empty promises and emotional wreckage that he’s been putting me thru that defence masculine energy at times around him. 

He never acts like a grown man. It’s like he’s more of a boy when he is around me. And expected me to be like a mother that nurtures him almost all day. When I get so depressed I can’t even keep up my hygiene sometimes and it’s so terrible especially running thru his twisted drug habits that he has put me thru this darkness. 

I just want out. Like I dunno how I’m going to do this. Like my last break up with Gia doesn’t even feel like a break up. It feels so much like a friendship that I can’t break. I am just exhausted from all this “putting up”with all his bullshit energy. I want self love and be aware of my surroundings and bring back my caring and loving self back with beauty and staying healthy. Even tho I’m half way there after moving out of his house. 

Because I lived with him for the last two years and then came back to my mom’s later to focus back on myself again with my feminine energy vibe. Right now, I just want to feel like I’m working on myself and mainly my career as an artist singer. 

I am dissatisfied and disappointed in Gia. But on my mind I crave for a feminine energy or another feminine female around me. I feel like I’m demi sexual Dunno why??? But I want a female partner instead ?? And I don’t just go and want to be with any female. But it has to be with some female on the same vibe or page with me. Again, Maybe because I am sick of man especially with Gia’s emotionally unstable and unavailable self. Who knows if I’m bi that might want a female relationship in the future. Because man do suck and their love and its like a bare minimum to me. Compared to a females love it’s so much different. And I just know it for myself because I been with a female in the past and the vibe is a whole different level and commitment in love.